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darkhavens
03 August 2005 @ 01:22 am
"Not 'The City of...'", 4 for OoS #123 - London
Author: darkhavens
Title: Not 'The City of...'
Pairing: Spike/Xander, Buffy
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. No harm, no foul, no money made.
Notes: In this 'episode' of the baby!vamp!Xander'verse, Spike and Xander are trying to find a demon who has a spell that will stop Willow resouling Xander. Xander's kitten Seven is along for the ride...



Texas

When Spike had mentioned London, Xander had thought... Well, he wasn't sure what'd he'd thought, but it wasn't that they'd be driving through the desert at full speed until dawn broke each day. He didn't think they'd end up lost in Texas either, but they did.

Seven didn't exactly help to make the journey bearable. Draped across the dash like some weird ornamental rug, she took vicious swipes at Spike's hands every time he turned the wheel.

By the second day, Xander was starting to think they didn't like each other, but surely he'd have noticed that before now, right?



Kentucky

Xander liked London, Kentucky much better than London, Texas. The town that heralded the birth of Kentucky Fried Chicken™ couldn't be all bad, right? And it was nestled in the heart of Daniel Boone country, a fact Spike didn't seem to find worth mentioning.

Yet again the demon they were looking for was not around. Everyone they asked said variations of "Not this London. Maybe you should try Ohio next?"

And through it all, Seven and Spike continued their strange dance - snarling, scratching, spitting when they thought he didn't see. He wondered what could have set them off like that.



Ohio

They didn't like this London at all - too many churches. Too many people being 'friendly' and trying to help. They decided the place was a cross between Stepford and the freaky town in the 1956 original version of Invasion Of The Bodysnatchers. Not the 70's remake with Donald Sutherland and Leonard Nimoy, even though they both agreed the effects were better in that.

Seven didn't try to leave the car so often. She used the litter tray behind the driver's seat without complaint. Spike's complaints were hardly worth the breath it took to make them.

And the demon wasn't there.



Ontario... Or Not

"It's Ontario, Spike! Ice, snow, Canadians, French, Eskimos! Five good reasons to not go that far north."

"I know, Xan, but we need to find this demon, get you sorted. Once this spell's in place you'll be safe from the Queen of Souling. Without that we're... Wait. Eskimos? What have you got against them?"

Xander turned to see if Spike was serious. He seemed to be.

"Spike, they live on whale blubber. How gross is that?"

The ringing of his cellphone saved Spike's sanity.

"Hello? ... He's what? ... Where? ... Yeah, we're on our way."

"Where?"

"He's in L.A."

~~~~~~~

ETA: No offence is meant to anyone of Canadian/French/Eskimo/Inuit or any other descent. This is Xander, people - off-target humour, no foreign language skills, etc etc.



NEXT
 
werewindlewerewindle on August 3rd, 2005 12:59 am (UTC)
*snicker* Now he notices. Very funny set. ^__^
darkhavensdarkhavens on August 3rd, 2005 01:26 am (UTC)
Thanks. He can be a little slow, sometimes. :D
Ms. Cleveririshvampire13 on August 3rd, 2005 01:16 am (UTC)
~~French~~

Being of French descent, I resent this barb. All was going well, until you wrote this part.
darkhavensdarkhavens on August 3rd, 2005 01:21 am (UTC)
I'm sorry, darlin'. No offense was meant to anyone, and it was really more a case of language rather than 'race' issues. Xander never mastered the Spanish he was taught at school (canonically), so being in another country with another language entirely would not be his idea of fun.

Again, I apologise.
Nebula: spike danceauthoressnebula on August 3rd, 2005 01:22 am (UTC)
By the second day, Xander was starting to think they didn't like each other, but surely he'd have noticed that before now, right?

I'm currently having to wipe spit off my screen because of that line. That was absolutely perfect.

I'd forgotten how many Londons there are around here. Goodness gracious; there should just be the one in England! That would make my brain stop spinning.

But Xander, if you get them in an igloo, they're a polar bear's favorite treat: crunchy on the outside, with a chewy center. (And therein lies one of my favorite comics of all time.)

~Nebula
darkhavensdarkhavens on August 3rd, 2005 01:28 am (UTC)
Hee! Thanks!

The Spike-London connection had pretty much been done to death by the time I remembered I hadn't drabbled yet, so I tried googling lyrics and then looked in my atlas and found a nice little list of alterna-Londons. *g*
I am Derek's vocal eyebrows: hd; otp [me]literati on August 3rd, 2005 01:37 am (UTC)
By the second day, Xander was starting to think they didn't like each other, but surely he'd have noticed that before now, right?

My but he's a sharp one.

::waits for the 'Spike accidentally maims Seven' drabble::

:D

Lovely set, babe.
darkhavensdarkhavens on August 3rd, 2005 01:42 am (UTC)
:P

Thank you, sweetie.
zandra_x on August 3rd, 2005 02:40 am (UTC)
What a great angle on the theme. And I always enjoy your S/X, of course.
darkhavens: sx a love eternal [literati]darkhavens on August 7th, 2005 02:05 am (UTC)
Thanks! I consulted my atlas to see if there was another London and there was a list! I couldn't resist. :D
realtsunamigirlrealtsunamigirl on August 3rd, 2005 05:06 am (UTC)
It's Ontario, Spike! Ice, snow, Canadians, French, Eskimos!

*snicker*

I'm just impressed he knows where Ontario is! That's a hell of a lot better than a lot of Americans (no offense to Americans *g*). That was the funniest snark at american ignorance about Canada that I've seen in a long time. And from a darm furriner. I hereby dub you an honorary Canuck.

*Makes vague sword gestures with hand*

Hey if they went to Ontario at least their official rights as a couple would be recognised.
darkhavens: sx a love eternal [literati]darkhavens on August 7th, 2005 02:08 am (UTC)
*wears my Canuck-ness with pride*

Thanks! You just know that Xander could sum up an entire country in five words or less. And of course, completely miss the relationshippy possibilities. He should have got all excited and started babbling about getting a license. *g*
samsara_sv: teasamsara_sv on August 3rd, 2005 08:50 am (UTC)
hehehe nothing like being cooped up in a car together to make Xander FINALLY see the byplay between Seven & Spike :-() cute (as ever) and wow - I didn't realise you guys have that many Londons!
darkhavensdarkhavens on August 7th, 2005 02:11 am (UTC)
Thanks!

Yes, Xander finally figured out that all is not well in his dysfunctional little family. *g*

And I'm actually a Brit - I had to check my atlas for other Londons, just to be contrary. ;)
samsara_svsamsara_sv on August 7th, 2005 08:59 am (UTC)
oopsies - sorry about that fellow Brit.

And the being contrary - should have clued me in lol
taruma: LOL! Spiketaruma16 on August 3rd, 2005 04:08 pm (UTC)
These are hilarious!
I love them!!!
The Spike/Seven fight is so much fun!!!

By the second day, Xander was starting to think they didn't like each other, but surely he'd have noticed that before now, right?

And through it all, Seven and Spike continued their strange dance - snarling, scratching, spitting when they thought he didn't see. He wondered what could have set them off like that.

Xander is really that oblivious!
darkhavensdarkhavens on August 7th, 2005 02:12 am (UTC)
Xander wants to believe they all love each other and get on. He's quite shocked. *g*

Thanks!
rayne_y_dazerayne_y_daze on August 3rd, 2005 07:00 pm (UTC)
Lovely as always...but the cat is killing me. :-)
darkhavens: Seven [fanbot]darkhavens on August 7th, 2005 02:14 am (UTC)
Hee! Thanks1 :D
(Anonymous) on August 4th, 2005 12:44 am (UTC)
There's just something about Ohio I dislike more than Ontario. Xander should've been worried about going through Cincinatti-- God those fuckers drive worse than Spike, I swear.

That, and probably 'cause I was born in Ontario. Choices, choices.

But yay! BabyVampireXander! My day is complete! *loves*
darkhavensdarkhavens on August 7th, 2005 02:16 am (UTC)
LOL! Thanks! :D

I've never been to the US so I just googled and picked out snippets that looked useful. ;)
tabaquitabaqui on August 5th, 2005 07:06 pm (UTC)
Wheeeeeeee!!
Xander finally figures out Spike and Seven hate each other!
*snerk*

Whale blubber!
*snerk*

*smooch*
darkhavens: Seven [fanbot]darkhavens on August 7th, 2005 02:17 am (UTC)
Hee! Thanks! *smooch*