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01 May 2005 @ 06:27 pm
Let's Misbehave, for dragonmaster in nashmaveric's Cole Porter Ficathon
Author: darkhavens
Title: Let's Misbehave
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: PG-13 cos you've all got dirty minds. *g*
Feedback: darkhavens @ slashverse.com (server still on the fritz so substitute msn for slashverse)
Concrit: by email, please (see above)
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. No harm, no foul, no money made.
Warnings/Squicks: adulterated lube
Summary: Spike and Xander come out with flair. :D
Notes: Nash YSI'd me the Elvis Costello version of the song, but me being me, I searched for other versions and stumbled upon the Eartha Kitt rendition. Then I played it for 4 hours straight while I wrote this fic. Amazing!

Written for: Dragonmaster
Preferred rating and genre (ie NC-17, H/C, schmoop, angst, etc): Pretty much anything but non-con.
Preferred pairing: Spike/Xander
Second pairing choice (just in case your first one can't be done): Angel/Wes, I suppose. (I got 'em both in. *g*)


You could have a great career,
And you should;
Yes you should.
Only one thing stops you dear:
You're too good;
Way too good!

If you want a future, darlin',
Why don't you get a past?
'Cause that fateful moment's comin' at last...

We're all alone, no chaperone
Can get our number
The world's in slumber--let's misbehave

There's something wild about you child
That's so contagious
Let's be outrageous--let's misbehave

When Adam won Eve's hand
He wouldn't stand for teasin'.
He didn't care about those apples out of season.

They say that Spring means just one thing to little lovebirds
We're not above birds--let's misbehave

It's getting late and while I wait
My poor heart aches on
Why put the brakes on? Let's misbehave

I feel quite sure affaire d'amour
Would be attractive
While we're still active, let's misbehave

You know my heart is true
And you say you for me care...
Somebody's bound to tell,
But what the hell do we care?

They say that bears have love affairs
And even camels
We're men and mammals--let's misbehave!!!

Let's Misbehave

The wedding had been a roaring success with no family there to disrupt the proceedings or attempt to murder either of the grooms. Spike steadfastly denied being related to Angel, claiming, loudly and repeatedly, to be the progeny of 'the evil twin - the one with fashion sense and more than two expressions'.

Wesley had made sure to keep at least ten feet and three other people between the vampires at all times, determined to see this momentous occasion conclude peacefully. Not that he needed an excuse to cling tightly to Angel's arm, not now they were legally married in a variety of dimensions, including, with the help of several bizarre demonic ceremonies, this one. Okay, so the United States Judiciary certainly wouldn't uphold the marriage vows, no matter what officious-sounding language had been used, but that barely even caused him a moment's concern. Angel had stood before over 250 of the most influential demons in California and pledged his troth to him, to Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, ex-Watcher, ex-rogue demon hunter.

A large heavy hand landed on his shoulder and began to stroke and pet, and Wesley belatedly realised he was hyperventilating - again - just at the thought of being married to Angel. He was married to Angel!

"Breathe, Wes, please. Half the demons here already think you're having panic attacks because you're so terrified of Angelus making his reappearance in the marriage bed. I somehow didn't think you'd appreciate me telling them about those 'test runs' you insisted on. Or the chains you bought for the occasion."

Angel smiled softly at Wes' somewhat dazed expression, and pressed a delicate kiss upon his slightly parted, lightly panting, lips.

"In another hour or so the last of the guests will have left for their beds and we'll be free to go and find our own." He paused, and glanced around the room, frowning worriedly at the sight of Spike and Xander Harris deep in conversation in a shadowy corner. "I just hope the spells you cast to keep Spike out of our rooms worked properly. I'd hate to think what he might do if he managed to get inside."


"So, did you do it? All of it?"

"Shhh! Dammit, Spike! Keep your voice down unless you want to get us strung up by the balls for ruining Deadboy's big night. Yes, I did it all. I injected all the tubes of lube with holy water. I set the video camera up on the top shelf of the closet and left the door open just enough so it gets a good shot of the bed. I put the blue dye into the showerhead and emptied every bottle of shampoo and shower gel I could find. I even stole the grungy bar of soap from the cupboard under the sink." Xander patted his pocket gingerly. "God knows how long that's been under there. And I'm sure there's a couple of curly blonde hairs stuck to it so I wrapped it up in toilet paper because - ew! - if I took it out and those hairs weren't still stuck to it, I'd never be able to put my hands in my pockets again."

Spike grinned wickedly.

"You can always put your hands in my pockets, luv. I won't mind."

Two sets of wickedly glinting eyes unfocussed for a moment and then Xander shook his head to clear away the enticing images of naughty public touching. Spike just seemed to bring out the kink in him, not that he was complaining.

"Later, baby, I promise. But right now we have a show to put on, remember? Everybody's just drunk enough not to try for immediate stakeage when they figure out we're for real, and I've been looking forward to this for months. You, me, dressed to kill, and a dance floor just waiting for us to do our thing." A tan hand clamped over Spike's mouth before he even had a chance to draw breath. "Not that thing, Mr Sex-On-The-Brain. The other thing. The dancing thing. The tuxedoed waltzing, foxtrotting, tangoing - and whatever those other dance steppy things were that you taught me - thing. That thing where we walk out there and take it in turns to be the girly one, for leading purposes only, of course. So lead me, swirl me, dip me, twirl me. Let's go out there and show everyone that Wes and Deadboy aren't the only happy homos in this hotel tonight."

Shoulder to shoulder they approached the half-empty area of hardwood floor populated by a strange selection of demon, human and mixed species couples. The band, a local family of Mulchek demons that Spike unsurprisingly knew - Xander was beginning to think there wasn't a demon in California that Spike didn't know, either directly or by some convoluted chain of acquaintances - watched them cross to a spot in front of the stage and expertly segued into a marvellous, bluesy rendition of Cole Porter's 'Let's Misbehave', as performed by Eartha Kitt.

Xander blinked, impressed with how similar the small male demon sounded to the CD Spike had had him practicing to for the last two months. Who knew that Catwoman could sing like that? Or that someone so small and so yellow could sound exactly like her? A finger politely tapping on his shoulder attracted his attention and he glanced up into Spike's politely inquisitive face.

"You went to the Catwoman place again, didn't you, pet? I told you, she was singing long before she put those ears on and she's still got a pair of lungs on her now, last I heard. Now, are you ready to dance, luv, or should we forget all those squashed toes and crushed fingers and little hissy fits when you tripped over your own feet and ended up on your arse? I mean, I'm easy, I don't mind either way, but you said you wanted to..."

"Stop whining and let's dance, Spike."

The heat in Xander's gaze, and the obvious, eager anticipation, removed any sting from the words and Spike stepped closer, took a firm grip of his partner, and began to whirl them around the dance floor, easily avoiding the other couples as he completed a circuit of the floor and immediately began a second.

The song changed, several times, but the mood and the beat remained the same, and Spike and Xander danced, eyes locked, fingers entwined, thighs brushing and legs entangling as the steps demanded and neither one put a single foot wrong.

Halfway through 'Let's Misbehave' they began to gather an audience, and by the time they came down to earth, out of breath and drunk on the joy of it all several songs later, there was a ring of watchers three bodies deep, with Angel and Wes holding court in the front row.

"...Drusilla's William?" ... "...the Slayer's boy..." ... "...hated vampires..." ... "...a joke..." ... "...Angelus..." ... "uncontrollable..." ... "...Deadboy..." ... "Buffy will never..."



Grinning, they danced one final circuit of the ring, gloriously flamboyant in their movements and gestures, until they came to a halt barely two feet away from the newlyweds. And then they kissed.

It was neither a simple peck nor an outrageously erotic display. The kiss they shared was slow, and deep, and totally consuming. Their audience watched in silence as they shared their love for one another with each gentle touch, each pre-emptive tilting of head and angling of body to accommodate the other's next move.

By the time they broke apart, only far enough to allow Xander to breathe, it was obvious to all that this was no practical joke. They moved, during the dance and the kiss, like two men with intimate knowledge of how well their bodies fitted together. Their friends, speechless up until now, mostly due to shock and disbelief, belatedly began to snap out of their various stupors and surged forward in an attempt to talktouchrescuestake one or both of the swiftly back-pedalling pair.

"Think they got the message, pet?"

"Hell, yeah! So, time for the final act, you think?"

"Definitely." Spike's decisive nod coincided with their backs colliding with the edge of the stage, and, as if this scene had been expertly choreographed, four sets of small yellow hands reached down and swung them easily up on to the stage and just as speedily shuffled them off stage-right where a fifth Mulchek demon, this one obviously female - the lilac crest gave it away - waited to usher them out of a side door into a waiting taxi.

"Did she get here?"

The demon winked and nodded, shooing them off as she turned to hurry back into the hotel.


Certain segments of the wedding party barely had time to realise that their quarry had disappeared before the curtains behind the band were drawn apart, exposing a slender woman clutching a microphone and looking slightly lost. Then her eyes lit on Angel and her whole demeanour altered, the first notes of music urging her forward to the edge of the stage, burgundy velvet flowing over her curves like a second skin.

With a delightfully insane little smile she lifted the microphone and began to sing, haltingly...

"While tearing off a game of golf
I may make a play for the caddy
But when I do, I don't follow through
Cause my heart belongs to Daddy..."

Angel groaned.

"I'm going to kill them, both of them, and if that gives me a moment of perfect happiness and somehow breaks the binding spell and lets Angelus free, you have my permission to stake me. It'll be worth it."


Three fic posts in two days - I'm zonked!
feeling: cheerfulcheerful
Genghis Katkat8cha on May 1st, 2005 06:01 pm (UTC)
~smiles and hides laughter in pillow~ Oh that was just tooo good. Kinda feel sorry for Wes cause his wedding night will be ruined. ~pout~ But, lets face it, to see the boys do their thing? I can live with that.
And the last bit? Funny as HELL!
darkhavens: OMG! ensemble [literati]darkhavens on May 1st, 2005 06:40 pm (UTC)
Thanks! :D

Come on, do you honestly believe that Wes hasn't covered every possibility? He's probably had another room prepared for them, just in case something happened. And he's bound to have a spare tube of lube in his tux pocket. *g*

I couldn't resist giving Dru a cameo. I love that song and it just screamed out to me. :P
Spike's Heart: Spander - iconic_moonspikes_heart on May 1st, 2005 06:11 pm (UTC)
Consider yourself worshipped... this is gorgeous. Love, love, love Dru's appearance, and the whole tone of the piece. Clever, witty, adoring... just not enough superlatives for it. I was so in need of a happy ficlet, and this just fit the bill. **smooches you** (and it bedevils Angel, which is always bonus gravy for me)
darkhavensdarkhavens on May 1st, 2005 06:42 pm (UTC)
::preens:: :P

Honestly, it was all down to the song - Cole Port's lyrics and Eartha Kitt's rendition. I listened to it once and could see the whole story play out so I just hit repeat and typed madly. *g*

Thanks! *smooch*
who said what now? - spikes_heart on May 1st, 2005 06:47 pm (UTC) (Expand)
who said what now? - darkhavens on May 1st, 2005 07:11 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Ame: Pet by tonicatamejisuto on May 1st, 2005 06:14 pm (UTC)
Love it!! So romantic and funny and sexy and they got Angel good!!

MMMmm. So damn good!
darkhavens: sx MMM [literati]darkhavens on May 1st, 2005 06:46 pm (UTC)
Thank you, darlin'!

Yup, Angel never stood a chance, but I'm sure Wes has backup plans. ;)
most excellently twisted: LOLfanbot on May 1st, 2005 06:48 pm (UTC)
Perfect! Every bit!
I *Love* Eartha Kitt! The demon sound-alike - LOL
*sigh* Beautiful men in tuxes. That's a kink 'o mine.
Drusilla showing up.. perfect.
But...holy water in the lube? Nooo. Owie! Too far!

darkhavensdarkhavens on May 1st, 2005 07:13 pm (UTC)

Eartha - rowr!
Dru - that song was written for her. *g*

But...holy water in the lube? Nooo. Owie! Too far!

This is Spike and Xander winding up Angel, remember? They take no prisoners. *g*
Sorrel, the artist formerly known as goddessleilasorrelchestnut on May 1st, 2005 08:55 pm (UTC)
Oh, that was fantastic! I especially loved all of the pranks Spike had Xander play on Angel and Wes.
darkhavensdarkhavens on May 1st, 2005 11:09 pm (UTC)
Aren't they evil, wicked boys? *g*

Nashnashmaveric on May 1st, 2005 08:57 pm (UTC)
ROFLMAO! Oh God that was priceless. And then Angel will have sex with holywater!lube and shower with blue dye. ::snicker:: Just. Priceless!
darkhavensdarkhavens on May 1st, 2005 11:10 pm (UTC)
Hee! Thankee. :D

They're so wicked and cruel. Hee!
lirielviridianlirielviridian on May 1st, 2005 09:10 pm (UTC)
Oh, I worship you all right. Lube with holy water? *snickers madly* It was a stroke of genius. It really was. And the way Xan and Spike's coming out ended... Eh, Dru, Dru...
darkhavensdarkhavens on May 1st, 2005 11:11 pm (UTC)
Hee! Thanks. :D

That's just the perfect song for Dru. *g*
DD3dancingdragon3 on May 1st, 2005 09:17 pm (UTC)
That was so funny. I loved them making a big scene and then a planned getaway. Awesome! And what Xander did to their bedroom? Diabolical. Thanks!
darkhavensdarkhavens on May 1st, 2005 11:14 pm (UTC)
Diabolical. great compliment! Thanks. :D

They're such showoffs. *g*
I am Derek's vocal eyebrows: mk; believe [me]literati on May 1st, 2005 10:51 pm (UTC)
Ahhh, I love this!

Spike and Xander are soooo naughty! Poor Wangel ;)
Dru really was the icing on the cake!

...and MULCHEK!

::loves you long time::
darkhavensdarkhavens on May 1st, 2005 11:08 pm (UTC)
Hee! Just for you, baby. ;)


Thankee! :D
I Blame the Dutchmpoetess on May 1st, 2005 10:51 pm (UTC)
Mwhahahaha. Very funny. I'm very glad Spike and Xander's evilness is matched by the brains of Wes, else the happy groomy couple would be likely to have a very unhappy groomy wedding night.
darkhavensdarkhavens on May 1st, 2005 11:15 pm (UTC)
We know Wes will have a backup plan, even if it only comprised of a pre-hidden video camera so they know who did what in the room. *g*

Thanks! :D
Meredith Bronwen Mallory: ayutwicegarnettrees on May 2nd, 2005 12:36 am (UTC)
Half the demons here already think you're having panic attacks because you're so terrified of Angelus making his reappearance in the marriage bed.
The thought of Angel getting some makes L.A. quake in fear. *giggles madly* I've always loved the scene with Darla, where she goes "That was perfect happiness! I used to do this professionally!" She's such a skanky 'ho.

I loved the way Xander and Spike knew each other's bodies and minds. Their great escape was cute, too.

And Dru singing? I nearly died. Poor Wesley. With Angel, he should have known what he was getting into. ^_~
darkhavensdarkhavens on May 2nd, 2005 07:29 pm (UTC)
Hey, Angelus is a scary guy! The whole of LA is terrified he's gonna get a happy on and screw everything up for them. *g*

I've always loved the song 'My Heart Belongs To Daddy' and I was getting near the end of writing this when it came up on one of my Cole Porter searches and it just clicked. It could have been written for Dru. :P

your royal pie-nessentrenous88 on May 2nd, 2005 01:21 am (UTC)
Bad Spike and Xander, bad! **spanks them**

Of course, Wes will have a back up plan, and then Xander will get a mild tummyache from eating too much cake. Serves him right. **sniffs injuriously** But then again, you figure he'll be tended to by Spike, so that can't be too bad at all.
darkhavensdarkhavens on May 2nd, 2005 07:37 pm (UTC)
Now you just know they'll want more spankings. *g*

Cake, and tiny cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off, and teeny weeny quiches that Spike laughs at as being 'unmanly' but eats when he thinks Xander isn't watching. And he'll rub Xander's tummy and make him feel better, and then he'll rub other bits and... ::eyes cross:: Hee!

(Deleted comment)
darkhavensdarkhavens on May 2nd, 2005 07:44 pm (UTC)
Thank you! :D

dragonmaster didn't specify a particular genre so I just went with the story and let it write itself. *g*

Dru's appearance was triggered by seeing that song in a Cole Porter search and I could practically hear her singing in her little girl voice.
Lorrainelunabee34 on May 2nd, 2005 01:57 am (UTC)
Aw....Angel and Wes got married! And Spike and Xander sexy!danced and Dru is singing like a loon. Ha hahahah. Great read, luv.
darkhavensdarkhavens on May 2nd, 2005 07:46 pm (UTC)
Thankee. :D

A Wangel wedding and a Spander floorshow - who could ask for more? *g*
werewindlewerewindle on May 2nd, 2005 03:22 am (UTC)
"I'm going to kill them, both of them, and if that gives me a moment of perfect happiness and somehow breaks the binding spell and lets Angelus free, you have my permission to stake me. It'll be worth it."

Hehehehe That was great. ^__^ Loved Dru showing up at the end.
darkhavensdarkhavens on May 2nd, 2005 07:49 pm (UTC)

Angel should have known they'd try something to disrupt the proceedings. He should be grateful they waited until the reception to do it. *g*