Pairing: S/X always
Rating: NC-17 but only in your head
"...I get home from work and she's all packed and ready to go. She only waited around to tell me why she was leaving me."
"No... Well, kind of, but... No."
"Make your mind up, Pet."
"She said she loved me and she knew I loved her, but that she could never make me happy because..."
"What? I know it wasn't the sex. Everyone knows it couldn't be the bloody sex. Anya did have a habit of telling us all how hot you were in the sack. So what was it?"
"She said she didn't have the right equipment."
"Fancy another bottle, Pet?"
"So... equipment. Didn't she know about the sex shop downtown behind the..."
"Yes, Spike, Anya knew about Fantasia. She was a preferred customer, even had a loyalty card. That's not the kind of equipment she meant."
"Well come on, Xander, don't keep a vampire in suspense. If she wasn't talking about whips and chains and handcuffs, what was the demon bint prattling on about?"
"She said she didn't notice, at first, because she wasn't looking for it. But then she watched one of those daytime talk shows..."
"She says she thinks I'm gay!"
"Anya thinks you're gay. After the way you mooned over the Slayer, and cheerleader, not to mention herself. What evidence did she have, eh?"
"She... um... says she saw me looking at other... people, when I thought no-one was watching."
"Other people? You mean men, right? Blokes? The ones with their tackle on the outside?"
"Kinda? What does that mean, Pet? If it wasn't 'men', was it... was it a particular man she found you ogling?"
"This is like pulling teeth! Not exactly what? Not exactly ogling, or not exactly a… man..."
"It was you, Spike."
The Lap Dance
"Now, Spike, I don't want you to get the wrong idea. Just because Anya decided I was lusting after your hot, sexy bod..."
"Hot? Sexy? Xander, you should have said something. I haven’t had a decent shag in ages.”
“I wasn’t… I didn’t… Anya got it wrong, okay? I was only watching you to make sure you didn’t do anything evil. And despite what everyone else thinks, I know you’re still out to cause trouble.”
“And that’s what turns you on, isn’t it, Pet?”
“Spike, what are you…?”
“Spike, why are you sitting in my lap? What are you…? Mrrrrrphl…”
“Let’s get this hideous shirt out of the way, shall we?”
“And you wont be needing these pants…”
“Shhh, Pet. There’s more important things you could be doing with that mouth of yours…”
“Spike, I’m not…”
“I know, Pet. Straight as an arrow, you are. Never had a gay thought in your life, I’ll bet. Now, how does that feel?”
“I… I… Oh! Gods, Spike, what…?”
“’S called frottage. Enjoying it?”
“Yeah, thought so.”
“Hey! Fingers! Fingers in wrong places! Don’t… Oh! Oh! OhmygodsSpikewhatthefuckwasthat?!”
“That would be your prostate, Pet. Still straight?”
“Shut up Spike and fuck me.”
“Oh, wow. That was… With the… And the… Wow.”
“So, you enjoyed yourself then?”
“Uh, yeah! I never knew… I mean, nobody told me… I never felt anything like that, not even when Anya used those… things… on me…”
“Let me see if I’ve got this right. Anya’s been buggering you silly with sex toys and you’re still surprised when she makes the big announcement?”
“Hey! She was curious, okay? She just wanted to experiment, to…”
“I’ve been really dumb, haven’t I? She must have thought… and then she…”
“D’you think that’s why she bought all that gay porn too?”