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04 November 2007 @ 08:44 pm
Celebratory Fic: Five Spander Stories I'm Not Writing, Spike/Xander
Four years ago today, darkhavens was born!

I'd had another journal for a few weeks, and this one was meant to be my darker alterego, the one where nobody knew me and I could write my more twisted thoughts, far away from the 'real' me in that other journal. Yeah. I can't even remember that other journal's password now. As soon as I created darkhavens, I became darkhavens.

I'm four today! EEEEE!

And to celebrate, I bring you fic of the tongue-in-cheek, cliche and kink-ridden kind. The kind of fic I am never going to write but might just (secretly) love to read. ;)

Author: darkhavens
Title: Five Spander Stories I'm Not Writing
Buffy: Pairing: Buffy: Spike/Xander
Rating: R
Words: 1096
Concrit: darkhavens @ slashverse.com. If you spot a typo, please feel free to tell me in comments. I want you to!
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. No harm, no foul, no money made.
Warnings/Squicks: Gross abuse of fandom cliches and kinks.
Summary: Five Spander Stories I'm Not Writing. At all. Ever. So hush.
Notes: Written to celebrate my 4th ljversary, and as part of my commitment to mini_wrimo. Every cliche and kink is written with love, and tongue firmly in cheek. :D


Xander hit the 'Pause' button and slowly turned to stare at Spike in horror.

"You know, when you told me you'd been a porn star for a while, this wasn't quite how I pictured it."

Spike snatched the remote away and glared at his flickering, oiled and naked image on the screen.

"I told you, pet, it was the 70s. If you weren't six foot three with a bloody great caterpillar living on your top lip, you were the one that got fucked, no ifs, ands or buts about it."

He hit 'Play', filling the room with the cheesiest porn dialogue known to man.

"Ooh, yeah, baby! Give it to me! Harder! Ooh, yeah, like that. You're an animal! Ream me good!"

Spike sniffed and hit 'Stop.'

"Best work I ever did for that studio was eat the scriptwriter. He tasted bloody awful, but at least it stopped the tosser writing shite like this for any other poor sods to choke on while they were being buggered raw."


Head tilted to one side with calculated cuteness, Xander toyed absently with the collar Spike had fastened around his neck a few minutes ago. The small silver padlock and the 'Property of William the Bloody' matching tag clinked gently together at his touch.

Why wouldn't his master look at him? Had he done something wrong?

Uncurling from his place in front of the fire, he padded across the room on silent feet to join the others, Spike and Giles, Willow, Buffy and Dawn.

Their whispered conversation stalled as he approached. Everyone but Spike stared at Xander, and Xander stared at Spike. Spike stared at the flaking black polish on his left thumbnail like it contained the clues to his holy grail - free cable with 24 hour hot and cold running porn.

Xander lowered himself to sit at Spike's feet, and then laid his head on Spike's knee, staring up at him with dark, soulful eyes. When that didn't get the response he was hoping for, Xander shoved his nose into Spike's crotch - and licked,

"Bleedin' hell, Red! Hurry up and break the damn spell before the horny little bugger starts humping my leg!"

Giggling, Dawn reached out and pulled the sable-coated Labrador towards her, earning his undying love with a good hard scritch between the ears. "It's your own fault, Spike. Who buys a solid silver collar from a Gronlar demon and doesn't bother to check for enchantments?"


Spike controlled the Hellmouth with an iron grip. No demon, or demon-savvy human, did business - or procured pleasure - anywhere in Sunnydale without him getting a cut of the profits or being in at the kill.

He had his fingers in a lot of pies - gambling joints, feeding houses, bars, blood supply lines - and he kept the Slayer on a magical leash, a permanently nude and unresisting sex toy.

Not that he got to play with her that often, or at all, really. Being master of Sunnydale and surrounds was a full time job, with a lot of unpaid overtime and unexpected call-outs. He worked from dusk until dawn, one way or another, until even a night's mindless slaughter seemed more like a chore than a joy.

Spike jerked awake with a foreshortened scream and, almost immediately, was pulled into a warm, comforting hug by a sleep-befuddled Xander.

"Was it that same nightmare again?"

Spike snuggled closer and hummed an affirmative into Xander's shoulder.

"Poor baby." Xander pressed a kiss to the top of Spike's head. "Go back to sleep. I'll keep the nasty naked Slayer away from you."


Xander only played the Zeppo now to keep his girls happy, but it was still getting him down how they never noticed the new and improved Super!Xan!

It was all down to that Rorschach demon, the one who'd pinned him down and made him take a long, hard look inside himself.

Well, he'd looked, and he'd discovered memories he'd suppressed for years, since he was just a little boy and his father had told him what a freak he was and wondered why he couldn't have had a normal little bastard like all the other guys at the bar where he spent every night and every penny.

That was when Xander had started pretending he was normal, nothing special, and after a while he'd grown to believe it himself.

But no more!

Decision made, Xander jumped to his feet, startling the rest of the gang from their pizza and research.

"Guys, I have something important to tell you, something I've been hiding for a long time now."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Xander, we all know you're gay. The way you're always staring at Spike is-"

"What?! No! I'm not... It's..." Xander closed his eyes and took a deep, centering breath. "Watch."

He held out a hand and focussed on the table, sweat breaking out on his forehead as the heavy piece of furniture began to rise slowly towards the ceiling, books and pizza, sodas and a half-empty cup of tea going along for the ride. When his arm began to tremble, he carefully lowered his amazing burden back to the floor and tried not to catch anyone's gaze.

Buffy broke the stunned silence first.

"I can't believe it! You made me carry all your furniture up two flights of stairs to your new apartment because the elevator was broken and you could have moved it all yourself? I broke three nails!"


"First one to laugh gets my fist in their gob, brain-bleeding headache be damned!"

The form beneath the blanket certainly sounded like Spike, but the shape was - wrong, like he was carrying something angular on his back, something that moved.

Everyone stared at the amorphous grey lump in the center of the room and then Buffy darted in and snatched the blanket away and it turned out he did have something angular on his back. Angular and transparent, multi-hued and mobile. Spike had fairy wings.

Everybody stared some more.

Spike made a grab for the blanket in Buffy's hands and they tussled for a moment. Buffy's shoulder brushed against the purple-green-blue-orange of a fragile wing and suddenly Spike was gone, across the room and in the corner, back (wings) to the wall, more than a touch of demon yellow visible in his eyes.

"Keep your hands to yourself, Slayer."

The unexpected scents of embarrassment and arousal wafted over to where Spike was standing, and he looked to his left in disbelief.

Bloody typical. His Xander had the freakiest fucking kinks.

Mini-nanowrimo running total: 2082

feeling: amusedamused
tabaqui: s&xbyliteratitabaqui on November 4th, 2007 08:58 pm (UTC)
*falls down laughing*

Oh, i love it. Particularly Xander!as!Dog! That just never gets old.

Happy ljversary!

What was that *other* journal called? I'm all curious now.
darkhavens: sx a love eternal [literati]darkhavens on November 5th, 2007 06:02 am (UTC)
Thank you, darlin'! And thanks for the quick look-see earlier. :D

Oh, you don't wanna go and look at that old journal - it's crammed full of uncut memes and rambling work rants and stuff. *g*
who said what now? - tabaqui on November 5th, 2007 02:29 pm (UTC) (Expand)
it only burns when I breathe: spike&xander_lovetohateyou_tazispikedluv on November 4th, 2007 09:01 pm (UTC)
These were great! Happy Birthday! Thanks for giving us pressies. *g*
darkhavens: sx a love eternal [literati]darkhavens on November 5th, 2007 06:04 am (UTC)
Thank you! I had great fun writing them!
katbcoll: Metallicarkatbcoll on November 4th, 2007 09:12 pm (UTC)
*giggles more*
"Poor baby." Xander pressed a kiss to the top of Spike's head. "Go back to sleep. I'll keep the nasty naked Slayer away from you."
*cracks up*
Puppy!Xander, Pornstar!Spike, all of them! *dies*

Oooo and happy ljversary
darkhavens: sx a love eternal [literati]darkhavens on November 5th, 2007 06:05 am (UTC)
Thank you!

Xander will always protect Spike from nasty naked slayers. :D
woman_of_: Blood claimwoman_of_ on November 4th, 2007 09:13 pm (UTC)
Oh these were excellent! Made me smile a lot. Well done. And Happy Birthday.
darkhavens: sx a love eternal [literati]darkhavens on November 5th, 2007 06:08 am (UTC)
Thank you!

I can hardly believe I've been darkhavens for 4 years. I got a whole new online life to go with the new name. :D
clever comment goes here: spike bigbadanxiety_junkie on November 4th, 2007 09:18 pm (UTC)
LMAO! Master!Spike was definitely my favorite. *g*
darkhavens: sx a love eternal [literati]darkhavens on November 5th, 2007 06:09 am (UTC)
All work and no play makes Spike an unhappy Master. *g*

Observed behaving suspiciously in Strasbourgh: black and whitebendtothesun on November 4th, 2007 09:19 pm (UTC)

*more giggling* Brilliantly funny and just plain awesome.

His Xander had the freakiest fucking kinks.

I *love it* XD I love the puppy and I think Buffy's reaction in Super!Xan was spot on and just HEH.
Observed behaving suspiciously in Strasbourgh: SPN- *snuggle*bendtothesun on November 4th, 2007 09:21 pm (UTC)
Oh and happy LJ-versery and Birthday and all those lovely celebratory occasions.
who said what now? - darkhavens on November 5th, 2007 06:10 am (UTC) (Expand)
who said what now? - darkhavens on November 5th, 2007 06:10 am (UTC) (Expand)
who said what now? - bendtothesun on November 6th, 2007 04:12 am (UTC) (Expand)
Ann: simon-madwildannuette on November 4th, 2007 09:20 pm (UTC)
*can't stop laughing* Oh love them, all of them, though i thinkg fairyspike and master spike have to be the best. mind you *grins* can see the girls getting annoyed at superxan for the nail breakages lol. nice ones!
darkhavens: sx a love eternal [literati]darkhavens on November 5th, 2007 06:17 am (UTC)
Thank you!

I love this version of fairy!Spike. Regular-sized Spike, normal in every way but for the fact he has sodding great wings stuck to his back and a propensity for sprinkling fairy dust in odd places. :D
aubergineautumn on November 4th, 2007 09:20 pm (UTC)
POornstar!Spike was really amusing- Happy Birthday!
darkhavens: sx a love eternal [literati]darkhavens on November 5th, 2007 06:18 am (UTC)
70s porn is nothing if not formulaic. He's pretty, he's blond, he's the bottom! :D

ausgezeichnet on November 4th, 2007 09:40 pm (UTC)
Loving Fairy!Spike.

Bloody typical. His Xander had the freakiest fucking kinks.

darkhavens: sx a love eternal [literati]darkhavens on November 5th, 2007 06:19 am (UTC)
Thank you!

Xander is so 'normal', you just know he has to be harbouring some really wacky kinks. *g*
bmblbeebmblbee on November 4th, 2007 09:53 pm (UTC)
The stories that you will never write prove
that you are, as always, the best.
The Bee dips her wings in your honor.
darkhavens: sx a love eternal [literati]darkhavens on November 5th, 2007 06:21 am (UTC)
Aw, thank you, Bee!
thedabara_cds: Man & Puppet 2 by sueworld2003thedabara_cds on November 4th, 2007 09:59 pm (UTC)
Fantastic stuff, especially loved MasterSpike!
darkhavens: sx a love eternal [literati]darkhavens on November 5th, 2007 06:22 am (UTC)
Thank you!

Personally, I think Spike would go mad being the Master of Sunnydale. So much work. He'd never have the time to watch Passions. *g*
SpankSpikespankspike on November 4th, 2007 10:13 pm (UTC)
Those were all so deliciously wrong that it made them right! I'm very glad you've decided not to write any of those fics. *nods*
darkhavens: sx a love eternal [literati]darkhavens on November 5th, 2007 06:22 am (UTC)
Thank you!

This not writing is really working out for me. :D
your royal pie-nessentrenous88 on November 4th, 2007 10:14 pm (UTC)
Ha! You're so fun. <3
darkhavens: sx a love eternal [literati]darkhavens on November 5th, 2007 06:23 am (UTC)
Thank you!

And ha! You're at least half responsible for that vision of snarky, fullsized fairy!Spike! I still remember our little chats, before the fairyfic plague hit fandom. *g*
who said what now? - entrenous88 on November 5th, 2007 10:41 am (UTC) (Expand)
outsideth3box: Preying Mantisoutsideth3box on November 4th, 2007 10:30 pm (UTC)
OMG! Those were too cute for words!

Iron-Grip Spike and Freaky Wing-Kink Xander and all the others, cracked me up!

I have to admit that I have a soft spot for Puppy!Xander, though, heee.
darkhavens: sx a love eternal [literati]darkhavens on November 5th, 2007 06:25 am (UTC)
Thank you, darlin'!

I have the same soft spot for the puppy, but I love my kinky Xander and my snuggly Spike too. :D
Sevensevendeadlyfun on November 4th, 2007 10:41 pm (UTC)
Mwahaha! That was great...evol nekkid Slayers, fairy wing!kink, Sooper!Xander...Mwahaha! I loved it. BTW, very adorable demon name there...Rorschach demon indeed!
darkhavens: sx a love eternal [literati]darkhavens on November 5th, 2007 06:25 am (UTC)
Thank you!

And yay! I was hoping someone would notice the demon name - it seemed appropriate somehow. :P