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21 September 2006 @ 07:54 pm
'Mary's Smile', John, Sam/Dean

I finally managed to put words together with some kind of coherency... I hope. (Please, tell me if I'm wrong, k? I'm so totally unable to do more than squee, because OMG WORDS!)

Author: darkhavens
Title: Mary's Smile
Pairing/Fandom: Supernatural - John, Sam/Dean
Rating: PG
Words: 550
Feedback/Concrit: darkhavens @ slashverse.com
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. No harm, no foul, no money made.
Warnings/Squicks: Implied Wincest, implied het.
Summary: John recognises one of Dean's smiles and what it means
Notes: Written for summercon's Hodgepodge Challenge - here.
Also for drvsilla, who requested #048 - 'Discover' on my SPN 100_situations BDT, wanting 'John discovers Sam/Dean'.

Mary's Smile

He can't quite remember when he first realized what was going on. It was no great bolt of lightning revelation, no horrified gasp of discovery from an open bedroom doorway. He never actually saw anything he could point to and say, "See that? There - right in front of me, my own flesh and blood!" In fact, for a pair of Winchester brats, they're amazingly discreet.

The small things speak the loudest.

They used to argue or wrestle or throw knives to decide who got stuck with the grocery run each week, but after a three-day hunting trip that stretched to three weeks, he comes home to hear them say they'll go together. He's too tired right then to do much more than nod, but it keeps happening.

Dean puts on a good show - always ready to point out that Sam never gets the chips Dean likes, the right brand of beans or the freshest loaf of bread. And Sam just rolls his eyes and starts explaining vegetables to Dean until Dean hauls off and hits him and then drags him to the car.

When they go together, they're gone for twice the time it took when only one of them would go, but John doesn't question them. Not even when they come back rumpled, smudged and out of breath, eyes bright, Sam's mop of hair clumped into sweat slick curls at his nape. He trusts them to tell him if they get into trouble.

Then they start visiting the Laundromat together, without him having to threaten to burn their clothes or make them sleep outside. Sam voluntarily joins Dean on his endurance-building runs, foregoing the usual evil eye at John for forcing him to take time away from his studies.

He's so sure that this is all about Sammy coming to terms with how his life has to be - the hunt, vengeance, always being prepared - that it takes a while for him to recognise the smile that Dean sometimes wears when they come back from wherever they've been gone to.

It's Mary's smile. The smile she always wore in bed after they'd spent some time messing up the sheets, getting hot and sweaty, intimate. It almost makes his heart stop.

After that, he can't not look. Obsessively, he catalogs every tiny touch, each sideways glance, the time they're not right there in front of him. He keeps seeing that smile and it nearly breaks him.

But he doesn't say a word, because he knows that smile. He knows that Mary didn't wear it from the start; he didn't see it until their second year of marriage, once they'd gone from being in love to simply loving. It's a smile that says 'I know your feet smell and that you wouldn't floss if I didn't make you. I know you'd rather be messing around under the hood of someone's car than taking me to the movies. I know you think I'm being paranoid when I say that the look in the eyes of the guy you hired last week makes my skin crawl. But I love everything about you, even the bits you hate yourself.'

It's a smile that says, whatever he's seeing now, it's not a new thing.

He wonders just how long he's been blind.

Goes "Ding" When There's Stuff: Mckay not a yo yo by shadowserenitysuki_blue on September 21st, 2006 07:02 pm (UTC)
Ooh, naughty bois!

Very well written, my darling. You've found your words! Yay!!
darkhavensdarkhavens on September 21st, 2006 07:27 pm (UTC)
*squees at your icon* :D

Thank you, darlin'! I have to admit that most of this was scribbled weeks ago during a break at work, but I managed to add to it and tweak it and I still feel damn proud of finally being able to string words together again. I was really starting to worry.
katbcollkatbcoll on September 21st, 2006 07:07 pm (UTC)
*\o/* Words! Good words! Great words strung together... uh greatly! Yeah! That's it!

Seriously, welcome back to the muses and this was wonderful!
darkhavens: sn eyefuck [literati]darkhavens on September 21st, 2006 07:31 pm (UTC)
Thank you! :D

Losing my words is the scariest thing that's ever happened to me. I spent most of my 20s not writing and it was a very depressing time. YAY WORDS!
mr profit's girl friday (and all week long): you and me against the worldtiferet on September 21st, 2006 07:26 pm (UTC)
I love this bit of gorgeousity :D and what you are saying here about love.
darkhavensdarkhavens on September 21st, 2006 08:11 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :D

I think true love is when you see the stinky socks in the corner, and you see the stubble in the sink, and you smile, because it's their socks, and their stubble. ;)
Maz: Dovethismaz on September 21st, 2006 07:38 pm (UTC)
Strange, wonderfully comfortable story. Kind of weird, very nice. I love the memory of Mary's smile and the emotions it brings to the surface of John's memory.
darkhavens: sn bed guh [literati]darkhavens on September 21st, 2006 08:14 pm (UTC)

I think John must have (eventually) got used to seeing little flashes of Mary in both of his boys, but that smile would stand out as special, as theirs.
tabaqui: s&dwcarbyliteratitabaqui on September 21st, 2006 07:40 pm (UTC)
Wheeeeeee! Hi!

And ooh, luff. Poor John - no clue what to do! Luff this:
And Sam just rolls his eyes and starts explaining vegetables to Dean until Dean hauls off and hits him and then drags him to the car.


Hope you don't mind a teeny thing...'messing about under the hood' would prolly be 'messing around'. About's just not used that way here much. *Some*, but not much.
darkhavensdarkhavens on September 21st, 2006 08:19 pm (UTC)
You know Sam's spent time following Dean around at the grocery store 'explaining' bananas and broccoli until Dean threatens to stuff a watermelon in his mouth, sideways, if he doesn't shut the fuck up. *g*

Thanks for the tweak! (Always, always appreciated.)
who said what now? - tabaqui on September 21st, 2006 10:08 pm (UTC) (Expand)
who said what now? - darkhavens on September 27th, 2006 10:57 pm (UTC) (Expand)
who said what now? - tabaqui on September 27th, 2006 11:11 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Elle: SN going to hell by noway-iconsellel on September 21st, 2006 07:55 pm (UTC)
Wow.Simply stunning fic...read it twice and love it:)
Dean has Mary's smile and this kinda makes my heart break for John.

Obsessively,he catalogs every tiny touch,each sideways glance,the time they're not right there in front of him. He keeps seeing that smile and it nearly breaks him.
yeah,right here.
darkhavens: sn damaged [literati]darkhavens on September 21st, 2006 09:06 pm (UTC)
Thank you!

I think, between the two of them, Sam and Dean must have at least a couple of Mary's mannerisms and quirks. Every new one probably takes John by surprise, but this one would be a real shocker.
who said what now? - ellel on September 21st, 2006 09:47 pm (UTC) (Expand)
questioning in order to create: howling wolf 1tigriswolf on September 21st, 2006 08:49 pm (UTC)
Wow. Well done.
darkhavens: sn grrr {literati]darkhavens on September 21st, 2006 09:06 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :D
blazeorfadeblazeorfade on September 21st, 2006 10:37 pm (UTC)
*Squees* I love JohnFindsOut fics. This is definately one of my favorites thus far.
darkhavens: sn almost [literati]darkhavens on September 27th, 2006 11:01 pm (UTC)
Thank you!

I hadn't written a JohnFindsOut fic before, and I didn't want it to be loud or violent or gaspshockhorror. This way I got to suckerpunch John without any actual blood being spilled. *g*
I am Derek's vocal eyebrows: hp; tdm [me]literati on September 21st, 2006 11:22 pm (UTC)
words! ...and what words! :D

This is so beautiful, babe. Just gorgeous!
darkhavens: sn bed guh [literati]darkhavens on September 27th, 2006 11:03 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Pookie! I miss my words so much. *clings*

And I miss you!
~D: SPNSamDeanWriting1Icon1eboniorchid on September 22nd, 2006 12:16 am (UTC)
Ya know, I totally came over here mostly for the Spander initially, but I really like the way you write the Winchesters.

I mean, the fact that John is clueless, then gets a clue and freaks out a bit, but then gets a deeper clue and chooses not to freak out in front of the boys, it all just seems really true to John as I understand his character. I mean, the Sam/Dean squicks him a bit, but he's not going to stop the boys from finding love and joy in each other.
darkhavens: sn blues bros [literati]darkhavens on September 27th, 2006 11:07 pm (UTC)
Thank you!

In my head I can see John reacting a dozen different ways to a discovery like this, but this one nearly broke my heart because it's mary's smile and that has to burn.

I seem to be responsible for corrupting converting quite a few of my flisters. Multifandom is the way to be. :D
MF Luder: SPN lost w/o youmf_luder_xf on September 22nd, 2006 12:18 am (UTC)
Beautiful. I always love your fics.

It's Mary's smile. The smile she always wore in bed after they'd spent some time messing up the sheets, getting hot and sweaty, intimate. It almost makes his heart stop.

It makes my heart break for John, and feel so happy for Dean.
darkhavensdarkhavens on September 27th, 2006 11:14 pm (UTC)
Thank you!

My heart broke for John too - I felt almost guilty writing it, it's such deep, quiet pain. But I am inherently evil so meh. :D
Destina: spn dean and johndestina on September 22nd, 2006 12:54 am (UTC)
Wow. I crave stories where John figures it out, and this is a particularly hard-hitting way for him to realize it. Really well-done.
darkhavens: sn eyefuck [literati]darkhavens on September 27th, 2006 11:22 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I didn't recall seeing (m)any fics where John sees Mary in the boys' mannerisms or habits, and I thought this would be a great way to make him bleed inside. ;)
moveablehistory on September 22nd, 2006 12:57 am (UTC)
I adore what you're saying about love in this little piece. ♥
darkhavensdarkhavens on September 27th, 2006 11:39 pm (UTC)
Thank you!

Loving him despite the fact he wears socks in bed, is better than being so in love you don't notice the socks in bed, because one of those days you're gong feel clammy cotton at your ankles and the bubble's going to burst. *g*
(Deleted comment)
darkhavens: sn brotherlove [literati]darkhavens on September 27th, 2006 11:43 pm (UTC)
Thank you!

I saw your post in spnstoryfinders looking to find this again today and it made my evening. (I am so easily pleased sometimes. *g*)
Skywalker-Winchester: supernatural_brothers05  jsie_iconsanakin415 on September 22nd, 2006 07:19 am (UTC)
love this
darkhavensdarkhavens on September 27th, 2006 11:43 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :D