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darkhavens
04 November 2008 @ 04:52 am
Fic: CB-6000, McKay/Sheppard, R
Author: darkhavens
Title: CB-6000
Fandom: Pairing: Stargate Atlantis: McKay/Sheppard
Rating: R for subject matter
Words: 1044
Concrit: Please. If you spot a typo, feel free to tell me in comments.
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. No harm, no foul, no money made.
Warnings/Squicks: Male chastity devices.
Summary: ...So, basically, what you're saying, Teyla, is that we have to sit in front of the whole village for three hours while naked people dance and touch each other and if any of us get an erection the negotiations are terminated...
Notes: Written for day 3 of mini_wrimo and for challenge #7 on my kink_bingo card, 'Chastity Devices'.


CB-6000

"…So, basically, what you're saying, Teyla, is that we have to sit in front of the whole village for three hours while naked people dance and touch each other and if any of us get an erection the negotiations are terminated, thereby losing us the trade agreements with not just Tuvara, but also their allies the Eng, the Occara and the Deyim."

Teyla smiled her approval at Rodney's summation of the facts. Rodney leaned over and banged his head on the desk.

"We're screwed."

~~~~~~~

Rodney had to trot to keep up with John's 'I'm totally not embarrassed by that thing we just discussed but I have an urgent need to suddenly be elsewhere' speed-walking.

"Can't we just strap them to our legs like Ronon's going to? He-"

John shot a dark look over his shoulder as he turned into the hall led to his office.

"Have you seen Ronon's, uh…" He waved a hand around waist height and Rodney's ears turned pink.

"Ah, yes. Point taken. But still, there has to be-"

John very definitely didn't dive into his office and lock the door behind him, but it was a close run thing.

"Rodney, I have work to do, and… and a special order to push through official channels somehow. It's either this or let Keller do those trial runs she was talking about, with that new handheld device Team Three found last week and the injections she reckons Sanchez can whip up in just a day or two." John started to ease the door shut between them, stifling a grin as Rodney automatically leaned sideways to maintain eye contact.

"Hey, who knows? She might take one look at you with your pants down and decide you're the one for her. Stranger things have happened in Pegasus, right?"

Rodney glared through the narrowing gap between door and frame.

"Oh, yes, very funny, Colonel. As if I could ever hope to compete in that arena with Ronon and his…" It was Rodney's turn to wave his hand at waist height and John shrugged.

"I don't know, Rodney. Something like that can be pretty damn… intimidating, up close and personal. Maybe she's the type of girl who prefers her man built for comfort."

When Rodney responded to that with a scowl but didn't immediately return the conversational volley, John grabbed the chance to escape with both hands.

"Well, I gotta go get that requisition in ASAP. See you at dinner!"

He didn't move away from the door until he heard Rodney's footsteps carrying him slowly but steadily off down the hall. Then he sat down at his desk and contemplated the paperwork he was going to have to complete to get the order delivered before their upcoming mission to P3-X4T.

"Only in the Pegasus galaxy."

~~~~~~~

The box, when it arrived, was perfectly plain, boringly brown and practically screamed 'We deliver your sex-related purchases with discretion'. He checked the well-sealed tape along each seam three times before finally convincing himself that no one had snuck a peek at the contents.

He tapped his earpiece.

"McKay? My quarters, now."

~~~~~~~

"It's, uh… It's quite a simple design, all things considered. And they…they do seem to have considered… every possibility."

Rodney poked gingerly at the five different sized C-shaped pieces of clear, colorless polycarbonate.

"So, what, it's just a matter of trial and error? See which combination of ring and spacer fits best and then, what, lock the damn thing in place and hope and pray we don't have to run for our lives or take a piss any time soon?"

Smirking, John held up the cage portion of his male chastity device and aimed the opening at the tip towards Rodney, waggling it suggestively.

"Like you said, buddy, they considered every possibility. Peeing will not be a problem. And so long as you get the fit right, you shouldn't have any real problem running either."

Rodney didn't look convinced, so John continued, ignoring the tiny voice inside his head that was screaming 'Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!'

"It'll feel a bit weird at first, but after a while you won't even notice it's there, unless-"

"I get an erection, yes, and we both know how unlikely that's going to be with pretty naked people bouncing about and grabbing at each other for hours on end." He sighed. "It's going to get very uncomfortable very quickly out there, isn't it?" he muttered morosely.

John hmmed his agreement and began to pile the parts of his cock cage back into the box. Slowly, he became aware of being the focus of Rodney's intense, calculating gaze.

"You seem to know an awful lot about all this." His hands fluttered expressively over the scattered pieces of the 3D polycarbonate jigsaw puzzle laid out between them on the blanket. "Did your ex-wife-?"

John brayed with laughter before he could think better of it. "Nancy? Hell, no! She wasn't… that kind of girl, y'know? It was... someone else, way before the whole marriage thing. They were my walk on the wild side, part of my reckless youth."

The angle of the tilt of Rodney's mouth shifted subtly, and John started fidgeting with the flaps of the nearest box, dimly aware that he'd lost control of the situation way before he'd even realised that it was a situation he needed to control.

Rodney didn't give him even a second to regain lost ground. "You're remarkably reticent about your past, you know. You don't share many details at all and you're always very careful. In fact, I do believe that's the first time I've ever heard you fumble the pronoun game."

John stared blankly at the weave of the blanket beside his knee and waited for the sky to fall, or the world to implode, or… something.

"Colonel? John? Jesus, John, breathe!"

One of Rodney's large hands cupped the point of John's chin and coaxed his head around and up until eye contact was once again established.

"So, ah… I was wondering… You've obviously encountered one of these torture devices before. Any chance you could help a buddy out with… um… fitting it? And… and maybe removing it later?"

It was probably the worst pick-up line John had ever been witness to, but damned if it didn't work.

~~~~~~~



The CB-6000
view the webpage
or
Penis-free YouTube Vid




mini-nanowrimo word count: 1858

 
I am Derek's vocal eyebrows: js; his [me]literati on November 4th, 2008 05:23 am (UTC)
LOL! Hilarious. Only in Pegasus indeed. :D

darkhavens: shep so very gay [literati]darkhavens on November 4th, 2008 05:29 am (UTC)
Thank you! :D

The Pegasus galaxy has the freakiest shit happen. You know someone at the SGC is keeping a file of the best/worst stuff for when declassification happens and he can sell his story to the tabloids. *g*
tabaqui: rodney&johnforestbyobaonatabaqui on November 4th, 2008 05:47 am (UTC)
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHhahahaahhahahahahhaa.
:)
*ahem*

That is all.
darkhavens: mcshep boys & their toys [literati]darkhavens on March 8th, 2009 04:41 am (UTC)
(Hideously late reply to fb)

Thank you! John + Rodney + sex toys = hilarity every damn time. :D
Angelaangstie on November 4th, 2008 06:09 am (UTC)
LOL! Wonder what requisiiton code John used for this!!

And *who* had to do the shopping earth-side??

LOL!!
darkhavens: mcshep boys & their toys [literati]darkhavens on March 8th, 2009 04:44 am (UTC)
(Hideously late reply to fb)

Thank you!

I like to think they made poor Walter go shopping for the chastity devices. He never gets to have any fun. *g*
Anna: didn't see it comingfrom_the_corner on November 4th, 2008 09:40 am (UTC)
*snickers*

One thing's for sure - life in Pegasus never gets boring =)
darkhavens: mcshep boys & their toys [literati]darkhavens on March 8th, 2009 04:45 am (UTC)
(Hideously late reply to fb)

Thank you!

John + Rodney + sex toys != boring, whether in the Pegasus galaxy or anywhere else. :D
lyonzalyonza on November 4th, 2008 09:55 am (UTC)
Oh, this had me giggling for a while here at the office - made the dreariness go away :D

Thanks!
darkhavens: mcshep boys & their toys [literati]darkhavens on March 8th, 2009 04:46 am (UTC)
(Hideously late reply to fb)

Thank you! John + Rodney + sex toys = hilarity every damn time. I'm glad I chased the dreariness away for a moment. :D
blue underbelly of a red statejessebee on November 4th, 2008 01:32 pm (UTC)
Heeeeeeeeeeeeee! *big thumbs-up*
darkhavens: mcshep boys & their toys [literati]darkhavens on March 8th, 2009 04:47 am (UTC)
(Hideously late reply to fb)

Thank you! John + Rodney + sex toys = hilarity every damn time. :D
winter_elf: McShep-Kinky?winter_elf on November 4th, 2008 06:08 pm (UTC)
*snicker* Help a buddy out indeed! :) LOL!
darkhavens: mcshep boys & their toys [literati]darkhavens on March 8th, 2009 04:48 am (UTC)
(Hideously late reply to fb)

Rodney may not have the smoothest lines, but knows what works. *G*
Goes "Ding" When There's Stuff: McShep cookiessuki_blue on November 4th, 2008 06:52 pm (UTC)
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Bless Rodney and his lame pick-up lines.

"Rodney, I have work to do, and… and a special order to push through official channels somehow.

It might just be my incredibly smutty mind, but that made me choke on my chocolate cake. John's special order pushing through Rodne's official ...

Brilliant! Oh I miss McShep!!
darkhavens: mcshep boys & their toys [literati]darkhavens on March 8th, 2009 04:49 am (UTC)
(Hideously late reply to fb)

Thank you! John + Rodney + sex toys = hilarity every damn time. :D

^^^pets your smutty mind^^^

I miss McShep too, even though I read it every day. I want my show baaaaaaaaaaack! :(
outsideth3box: SGA FAIL! animatedoutsideth3box on November 7th, 2008 03:43 am (UTC)
*is ded*

No, really. Because now I have pictures. Preeeeeety pictures of John and Rodney "helping each other out." With the devices, of course.

*very ded*
darkhavens: mcshep boys & their toys [literati]darkhavens on March 8th, 2009 04:49 am (UTC)
(Hideously late reply to fb)

Thank you! They're such... helpful boys. ;)
pixiequeen10thk: spankingpixiequeen10thk on November 7th, 2008 04:24 am (UTC)
Hee hee!
darkhavens: mcshep boys & their toys [literati]darkhavens on March 8th, 2009 04:49 am (UTC)
(Hideously late reply to fb)

Thank you! John + Rodney + sex toys = hilarity every damn time. :D
wanted_a_pony on November 12th, 2008 10:25 pm (UTC)
:: goggle :: ~ < snrkgigglewheeze >

Now there's a mental image to cogitate upon. >;-D
darkhavens: mcshep boys & their toys [literati]darkhavens on March 8th, 2009 04:50 am (UTC)
(Hideously late reply to fb)

Thank you! John + Rodney + sex toys = hilarity every damn time. I#m glad you got the pretty mental images too. :D
kitty_poker1: McShep no textkitty_poker1 on November 13th, 2008 03:23 pm (UTC)
HEEEEEEEEE!!

"... I do believe that's the first time I've ever heard you fumble the pronoun game."

Very observant, Rodney. *g* If they practice the fitting and removing often enough before the test, maybe they'll be too, *ahem*, sapped to have to worry about the chastity devices.
darkhavens: mcshep boys & their toys [literati]darkhavens on March 8th, 2009 04:51 am (UTC)
(Hideously late reply to fb)

Ooh, now there's an idea. Self-induced equipment fatigue! LOL!

Thankee. *smooch*
Minxiethe_minx_17 on November 21st, 2008 02:43 pm (UTC)
Oh, this was too funny! *snicker*
darkhavens: mcshep boys & their toys [literati]darkhavens on March 8th, 2009 04:51 am (UTC)
(Hideously late reply to fb)

Thank you! John + Rodney + sex toys = hilarity every damn time. :D
bonfoibonfoi on November 23rd, 2008 05:26 am (UTC)
Bravo! That was priceless!
darkhavens: mcshep boys & their toys [literati]darkhavens on March 8th, 2009 04:52 am (UTC)
(Hideously late reply to fb)

Thank you! John + Rodney + sex toys = hilarity every damn time. :D
theeverdreamtheeverdream on July 10th, 2010 09:29 am (UTC)
I love the way you word things! This especially:
dimly aware that he'd lost control of the situation way before he'd even realised that it was a situation he needed to control

The last two paragraphs made me all flaily with glee :)
darkhavens: mcshep defiant rear view [literati]darkhavens on October 27th, 2010 03:14 am (UTC)
More late replying to fb. ;)

Thank you!

Rodney does have a unique pickup technique. *g*