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darkhavens
27 May 2008 @ 11:00 pm
Five Jobs Xander Lost Because of Spike and One He Didn't, Spike/Xander 1/1
Author: darkhavens
Title: Five Jobs Xander Lost Because of Spike and One He Didn't
Fandom: Pairing: Buffy: Spike/Xander
Rating: PG-13
Words: 6x100
Concrit: Please. If you spot a typo, please feel free to tell me in comments.
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. No harm, no foul, no money made.
Summary: Xander loses job after job but finally gets a clue. And a summons.
Notes: Written for my second day at [info]spring_with_xan, with thanks to [info]outsideth3box for being my cheering squad and for suggesting job #4.


Video Store Clerk

"Spike, please stop rearranging the movies into sections labelled 'Worth a look', 'Ripoff' and 'Total Shite', and stop writing on the shelves. It took me forever to clean the permanent marker off yesterday and the manager wasn't impressed by your choices for 'Shaggable', 'Edible' and 'Durggan Meat'. Plus, he had no idea what a Durggan was, and I certainly wasn't going to tell him, so… he might have got the idea you work with endangered species. And I had to pay for the solvent myself.

Just… choose the ones you want and take them home, okay? I'll pick up pizza."


Book Shop Sales Assistant

"Spike, you can't keep hanging around the checkout every night. Not everyone wants to hear 'the best bits' of the newest horrors and serial killer DIY manuals. Most people don't actually share your appreciation of accurate dismemberment scenes or the skill and artistry that's involved in flaying someone alive."

~

"…a small but well-shaped ass and a prick five inches round and six in length. An idolater of active and passive sodomy, but eminently of the latter, he spent his life having himself buggered, and this-"1

"Dammit, Spike! Okay, go back to the bloodletting. Just stop with the porn and perversions!"


Counter Jockey at 'Zrbnar's All-In Eat Away'

"No, Spike, you can't talk to the manager, or the chef. I take the orders and the money, bring the food out when it's ready, all so they don't have to deal with the customers. They keep to themselves, they pay me well and they give me free food. There's no way I'm letting you bother them."

~

"They were bloody Zathras demons! Remember in Hannibal, when Lector fed Krendler that special broth before frying his frontal lobes? Last night you came home smelling of their version of that muck and I realised they'd been feeding you up for a reason…"2


Walmart Greeter

"Hello, welcome to Walmart."

"Wanker."

"Spike!"

"What? He is! Smells recent too, like he's just tossed one off in the parking lot."

"Ew! Hello, welcome to Walmart."

"Hello, welcome to-"

"-Wallyworld, home of overpriced tat and tasteless junk."

"Spike! Shut up! Hello, welcome to Walmart."

"Thanks for shopping at Walmart."

"That lanky git with the green hat had something shoved down the back of his trousers."

"What? Who…? Dammit, Spike, that was five minutes ago! Why didn't you say something then?"

"I don't want to get a bloke in trouble now, do I? Anyway, you told me to shut up."


Sales Assistant at LeatherLeatherLeather

"Yo, Harris! Your boyfriend's here again."

"Who? What? I'm not… Oh, you mean Spike. He's not… We're not…"

"Wow. In denial much?"

"I…"

"Dude, he comes in every evening just to follow you around for a couple of hours. The way he watches your ass every chance he gets, it's obvious. Huh. You know what? Forget I said anything. If you're not interested, do you mind if I…? Harris? Xander? You can't just walk away from a customer halfway through a sale. Hey! The back room is for employees only! At least make sure you cover the security cameras first!"


Late Night Radio Talk Show Host

"This is Xander 'Xanman' Harris here at FreeTalk FM. It's just gone midnight so it's now officially International Zombie Day and I want to hear your favorite zombie stories, people. Did your uncle Charlie come back from the dead and try to eat your brains? Have you built a shrine in your basement to George Romero? Let us know, on 555-FREETALK."

~

"That's right, ma'am, cut that sucker's head off and your zombie's toast."

"So… I should use his chainsaw?"

"Uh…"

~

"Are you getting paid for this 'Witness for the Defence' bit, pet, or should I start reading the Classifieds again?"




1 Excerpt from '120 Days of Sodom' by Marquis de Sade.
2 In 'Hannibal', by Thomas Harris, Hannibal Lector has Paul Krendler sip "a parsley and thyme infusion" before removing and frying the front parts of his brain. Extreme seasoning!


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( 55 devotions — Post a new comment )
allyndra[info]allyndra on May 27th, 2008 10:09 pm (UTC)
LOL! This was so much fun. I love that Xander had to have Spike's interest pointed out to him, even after Spike followed him to every job he had.

Thanks for sharing!
darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 05:54 am (UTC)
Thank you! Xander can be oblivious sometimes. And he's so used to Spike's snarky ways it didn't seem at all strange to be putting up with it at work as well as at home. *g*
brunettepet[info]brunettepet on May 27th, 2008 10:14 pm (UTC)
I love how these map their growing relationship. Spike coming in to pester/ogle Xander was charming, and it gave me a grin that Xander had to be told he was being ogled.
darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 06:01 am (UTC)
Oblivious Xander is so much fun to play with. And stalker Spike is totally canon. *g*

Thanks!
Devo79[info]devo79 on May 27th, 2008 10:26 pm (UTC)
"Dammit, Spike! Okay, go back to the bloodletting. Just stop with the porn and perversions!"

But then he wouldn't be Spike!!! *Pouts*

This was so funny : )
darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 06:02 am (UTC)
Thank you!

Spike knows exactly what buttons to push to get Xander going. *g*
Kristin[info]txrabbit on May 27th, 2008 10:59 pm (UTC)
Very cute!

I enjoyed each of these.
darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 06:02 am (UTC)
Thank you! :D

(God, I'm so very happy to be writing again.)
[info]mysticsoblivion on May 27th, 2008 11:00 pm (UTC)
Hehe, what fun!
...is it a bad thing that Mys tends to do #2????????? *mutters (yet again) about how easy Spikeys are to squick*
Hmmm, any chance of us getting the video from LeatherLeatherLeather???????? *nodnodnod*
darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 06:06 am (UTC)
Hee! I wish I could get hold of that videotape. *g*

Thanks!
cmk418: BtVS xander[info]cmk418 on May 28th, 2008 12:16 am (UTC)
Hilarious. Especially loved the first one - sometimes I wish someone would rearrange the video shelves that way. Very well done.
darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 06:07 am (UTC)
Thank you!

(Sometimes I am tempted to rearrange our DVD wall at work in just this manner. *g*)
I am Daniel's frown: cb; lick [me][info]literati on May 28th, 2008 12:37 am (UTC)
HEE! I love them all but especially the LeatherLeatherLeather one. :D

♥
darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 06:09 am (UTC)
Thanks! ♥

LeatherLeatherLeather was originallt LeatherWorld, but then I googled it and found it was a furniture chainstore, so I changed it. *g*
Barb[info]rahirah on May 28th, 2008 12:49 am (UTC)
V. funny!
darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 06:09 am (UTC)
Thank you!

*giggles at your icon*
Murielle[info]murielle on May 28th, 2008 12:57 am (UTC)
This is wonderful! I love it! I laughed out loud several times.

Your Spike is so spot on Joss should be consulting you. ;-))
darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 06:10 am (UTC)
Thank you! *blushes*

I had several fits of giggles while writing them. :D
user name here: btvs - spike badlittleboy[info]anxiety_junkie on May 28th, 2008 01:02 am (UTC)
"That lanky git with the green hat had something shoved down the back of his trousers."

"What? Who…? Dammit, Spike, that was five minutes ago! Why didn't you say something then?"

"I don't want to get a bloke in trouble now, do I? Anyway, you told me to shut up."

*gigglesnort*
darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 06:11 am (UTC)
:D Thankee! *passes you a tissue*
Shannon[info]fanficjunkie26 on May 28th, 2008 01:13 am (UTC)
this was very cute and also very funny
darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 06:11 am (UTC)
Thank you! :D
Karyn: Giles laughing[info]kargrif on May 28th, 2008 01:31 am (UTC)
lmao!! i so needed that!! too funny! i loved them all!!
darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 06:11 am (UTC)
Thank you! :D
reremouse: vampspander kiss[info]reremouse on May 28th, 2008 03:04 am (UTC)
hee! Oh Xander! You know Spike only wants the best for you. And y'know - Xander's freakily well qualified for that late nite talk show.
darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 06:14 am (UTC)
It really was the perfect job for him, and he was doing so well, right up until that crazy lady decided her hubby was a zombie... *g*
reddwarf75[info]reddwarf75 on May 28th, 2008 03:39 am (UTC)
lol Very nice :D
Marie
darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 06:14 am (UTC)
Thank you! :D
laazikaat[info]laazikaat on May 28th, 2008 08:44 am (UTC)
"Who? What? I'm not… Oh, you mean Spike. He's not… We're not…"

"Wow. In denial much?"

Bless him, he just doesn't notice, does he?

Lovely, funny, enjoyed this so much.

darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 06:15 am (UTC)
He really doesn't notice, right up until the clue-by-four whaps him between the eyes. *g*

Thanks!
outsideth3box: Vamp Spike and Xander[info]outsideth3box on May 28th, 2008 09:45 am (UTC)
Too much fun!

The second one has me fantasizing about how amazingly hot it would be to listen to Spike read the whole book...**goosebumps**

Also, "Witness for the Defense"!! Bwahahahahaha!!!!

darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 06:16 am (UTC)
SPike reading that book would be so much fun, because you know he'd start slipping into his William voice and the prissiness would make it all the hotter.. ;)

Thanks!
bmblbee[info]bmblbee on May 28th, 2008 10:10 am (UTC)
Great! Of course Leatherleatherleather was my fav.
darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 06:16 am (UTC)
Thank you! I bet it was Spike's favourite too - it got him what he wanted, finally! *g*
jasonsnene: Spander_Grey[info]jasonsnene on May 28th, 2008 11:42 am (UTC)
rofl. This just cracked me up.

darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 06:17 am (UTC)
Thank you! :D
tabaqui: s&xlettersbykatekat1010[info]tabaqui on May 28th, 2008 09:36 pm (UTC)
Heeeeeeeeeeee!
I'd love to have the video store rearranged like that.
:)
darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 06:18 am (UTC)
Thankee!

So would I. I've been tempted to rearrange our DVD wall at work but nobody there knows what a Durggan is either and explaining it would get old fast. *g*
~Alice~[info]vinniebatman on May 28th, 2008 09:46 pm (UTC)
Oh god, the love I feel for you right now,
I loved these!

So funny and cute.

I adored it!

~Alice~
darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 06:19 am (UTC)
Thank you! :D
orchidluv[info]orchidluv on May 29th, 2008 05:36 am (UTC)
Excellent! Really got a laugh out of these. What a lovely end to a less than lovely day. Thanks for making me smile.
darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 06:19 am (UTC)
Thank you! I'm sorry you had a sucky day but I'm very glad I made it better. :D
Darth Sindel Dark Lady Of The Sith (GSE)[info]darthsindel1981 on May 30th, 2008 01:22 am (UTC)
so bloody awsome
darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 06:19 am (UTC)
Thank you! :D
Ditto: AWMP[info]stretfordditto on June 1st, 2008 09:27 am (UTC)
You made me lol LOUDLY.
darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 06:20 am (UTC)
Hee! Yay! Thanks. :D
lokifan[info]lokifan on June 2nd, 2008 02:49 pm (UTC)
LOL. I love Spike hanging around at every single job: so stalkery and Spike! And Xander's reactions were spot-on!
darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 3rd, 2008 06:21 am (UTC)
Thank you! Stalkery Spike a fun bit of canon to play with, and Xander is so much fun to poke. *g*
and then we set it on fire: Spander[info]electricalgwen on June 3rd, 2008 11:12 pm (UTC)
Hee! Oh, I do love your clueless Xander. :D
darkhavens[info]darkhavens on June 4th, 2008 03:11 am (UTC)
Thank you! He's so much fun to write when he's all dorky and oblivious. :D